One Liners

One Liners

Apparently exercise helps you with decision making. It’s true, I went for a run this morning and decided I am never going again!

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right and take time to exercise. But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

My wife said, “Our new neighbours are so in love. He kisses her, strokes her hair and hugs her. Why don’t you do that? I said, “Because I don’t know her yet”.

I have so many hidden talents….if I could just remember where I hid them.

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator…. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

A Pessimist complains about the wind, and Optimist expects it to change, a Realist adjusts his sails.

“Madam, when we asked you turn off all electronic devices before takeoff, we did not mean your husbands pacemaker!”

Sometimes saying nothing is the best answer because silence can’t be misquoted.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

My wife came home from K-mart complaining about the cashier being a “royal bi&ch”. I asked her if she was at the self-checkout; and that’s how the fight started….

Finally my winter fat is gone, now I have spring rolls.

Being an adult is eating the crust on your sandwich. Not because you like it, but because you paid for it!

My grandson made the mistake of telling me I was being over dramatic, so I just changed the Wi-Fi password. We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 5 minutes.

I still drive myself to the store because I can’t see well enough to shop online!

I asked my granddaughter to hand me a phone book. She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and handed me her I-Phone….So the spider is dead, the I-Phone is broken, and my granddaughter is furious.

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Why do professional athletes believe I care what they think. If I wanted advice from someone who chases a ball, Id ask my dog

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.

Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.

You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version….it doesn’t listen to anything.

Now that I have lived through a plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of fat people lying on couches.

Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Programmers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

When I offer to wash you back in the shower, all you have to say is yes, not all this “I don’t know you” and “how did you get into my house” nonsense.

The guy in the furniture store told me the sofa would seat five people without any problems. Then it occurred to me, I don’t think I know five people without any problems.

I told my wife I saw a deer on the way to work, and she asked me how did I know it was heading to work.

Remember how when you were little you cold just rip your diaper off and run around naked? It was so cute, and funny…. Anyway, I need bail money.

People have always named their children after expensive items like Mercedes, Chanel, Pearl, and Tiffany. This year watch our for Electricity, Gas and Groceries.

As Ronald Reagan once said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”

Can someone please update me on what is offensive today? I’m finding it hard to keep up.

Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.

The older I get the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

The older I get the more I realise that I just don’t want to go through things that don’t kill me but make me stronger anymore.

Q: My child won’t eat fish, what can I replace it with.   A: A cat – cats like fish.

My parents spanked me as a child, as a result I suffer from a psychological disorder known as “respect for others”

It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Red meat is not bad for you…fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

We have enough “youth”. How about a fountain of “smart”?

I think politicians should wear uniforms, you know, like race car drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

Politicians are happy because they will never have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

Stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything.

Difference between Genius and Stupidity…..Genius has limits.

The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets other people to do the greatest things.”

Fun Fact: Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes, so she hugged me!

The more I get to know people the more I understand why Noah only let animals on the Ark.

Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your “X”, she’s not coming back and don’t ask “Y”.

Whomever hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot!

Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.

The older I get the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

The older I get the more I realise that I just don’t want to go through things that don’t kill me but make me stronger anymore.

I keep myself sharp by regularly asking myself the tough questions like “What happened yesterday?” and “What was I planning on doing just now?”

One day you’re 21, staying up till 3am, eating pizza, and dancing like no one is watching. Suddenly you are over 65, eating kale, going to sleep at 8pm, and you can’t dance because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

“Sarah, how’s that boy of yours?” – “David? Ach, don’t ask! He’s living in Newtown with a man named Kwon-Sheng.” – “That’s terrible!” – “I know! Why couldn’t he find a nice Jewish boy?”

After performing a marriage the Rabbi gave some advice to the newlyweds: “The first ten years are always the hardest,” said the Rabbi. “How many years have you been married?” they asked. “Ten years,” the Rabbi replied.

What goes up and never comes down? Your age.

I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.

I grew a beard thinking it would say “Distinguished Gentleman.” Instead, turns out it says, “Senior’s Discount, Please!”

How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?” The elderly man said “How about my misspent youth”  The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. “You know you’re past your prime,” she said, “when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair.”

I like older men because they’ve gotten used to life’s disappointments. Which means they’re ready for me.

Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you’re forgetting.

The six ages of man: spills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

I’ve reached the age where looking in the mirror is like checking the news. I know there’ll be some new developments I won’t like.

The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.

I went out drinking on St Patricks Day, so I took a bus home… That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine. 

“Everything’s starting to click for me!” said my father-in-law at dinner. “My knees, my elbows, my neck …”

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Parliament.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is.

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

What’s the difference between a circumcision and a get? With a gett you get rid of the whole shmuck.

The rate of Jewish intermarriage is a serious problem. Scientists estimate that unless something can be done to stop intermarriage, in 100 years, the Jewish people will be reduced to a race of gorgeous blondes.

Define genius. A “C” student with a Jewish mother. 

What does a Jewish Princess make for dinner? A reservation

If a doctor carries a black leather bag and a plumber carries a tool belt, what does a mohel carry?  A bris kit. 

Why are gentiles essential to the economy? Somebody has to pay retail. 

Beer Bottle:     You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror:             You kiddin’ me? You break me, you’ll get 7 years bad luck!
Condom:         Hahaha… (Condom walks off laughing)

They asked me if I had a problem being ignorant and apathetic. I told them, “I don’t know and I don’t care!”

My wife divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any!

What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. “How do you breathe through something so small?”

I’ve been married for 34 years, and I’m still in love with the same woman. If my wife ever finds out, I’ll be in big trouble!

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?” The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book!”

Pharmacist to a customer: “Madam, please understand, to buy an anti-depressant you will need a prescription. Simply showing your marriage certificate and your husband’s picture is not enough.”

A man is about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon. The father says, “Son, I trust you with my life, but I need you to remember … If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you.”

After a performance a cantor – trying to impress- tells the crowd that his voice is insured with Lloyds of London for 1 million dollars. A voice from the back of the room says “so what did you do with the money?”

A Jewish curse: May all your teeth fall out – except one, so you can have a toothache.

The Ten Commandments are not multiple choice!

“You’re in great shape,” says the doctor. “You’re going to live to be 70.” “But I am 70,” the patient replies. “Nu,” says the doctor, “did I lie?”

Q: What do you get when you cross a Guernsey with a Holstein? A: Goldstein who says “Nu?”

A old Jew was refused service in a restaurant. “We don’t serve Jews here,” said the waiter. “Don’t let that bother you,” replied the old man. “I don’t eat Jews!”

A man in a New York restaurant asks the waiter if they serve wild rice. “No sir,” replied the waiter. “But maybe we could take some tame rice and mish it around until it gets mad.”

An old rabbi was having a discussion with a young agnostic. The younger man told the rabbi, “According to Nietzsche, G-d is dead. “The rabbi thought for a moment, then replied, “According to G-d, Nietzsche is dead.”

A Jewish man and a Japanese man decided to open a restaurant. They named it “Sosueme.”

What do you call a Torah with a seat belt? A Safer Torah!

Q: Why is it important for the groom to stomp on a glass? A: Because it’s the last time he’ll put his foot down.

How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb? Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a Talmudic reference to light bulb.

In the middle of a sermon the new rabbi beckoned to the shammes. “That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up.” Let me tell you how it works,” replied the shammes. “You put ’em to sleep. You wake ’em up.”

“Harvey, will you still love me when my hair is grey?” “I’ve loved you through blond, brunette, red and every other color. Why not grey?”

The rabbis of Chelm decided they had a problem when half the inmates of their prison claimed they had been wrongly convicted. So they built a second prison. Now they have one for the guilty and one for the innocent.

The teacher asked her prize student, “So Moshe, what does two plus two make?” “Buying, or selling?” Moshe replied.

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia. She whispers, “They’re right behind you!”

My husband and I divorced for religious reasons, he thought he was G‑d and I didn’t.

Why won’t a vampire attack a narcissist? Professional courtesy

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy smoking. It scared the daylights out of me. So that’s it: after today . . . no more reading!

 What did the Teddy Bear say when he was offered the afikomen? No thanks, I’m stuffed

Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?” Student: “A drinking problem.”

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?” Student: “My father’s check book!”

How do you drown a narcissist? Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool.

Becky “Tell me, Hannah, is your husband hard to please?” Hannah “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never tried.”

Before I got married, I was incomplete. Now, that I married, I am finished.

Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.” Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care!

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that ‘individuality’ is the key to success.

I have enough money to live on for the rest of my life, as long as I never buy anything ever again!

Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

A woman in a cafe says, “Oy, the food at this place is really terrible.” Her friend says, “Yeah, I know; and such small portions.”

If you feel like no one cares if you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments.

Retirement has been a blessing. In just three months I think my wife and I have caught up on everything I have done wrong for the last 40 years.

Another night home alone and it occurred to me that my garbage probably goes out more than I do.

People cough and are afraid they may have caught a virus, I cough and am afraid I may have just peed my pants.

It may take a village to raise a child, but it takes a whole vineyard to homeschool one. 

Life is like a helicopter – and I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Don’t worry about your iPhone and Smart TV spying on you – Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting your dirt for years!

If you can’t remember the right word, say “I forgot the English word for it”. That way people will think your bilingual instead of an idiot.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed the exit.

My goal for this year is to lose 10 kg. It’s only January and I have 14 to go.

I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 8 hours and 20 minutes.

I love being 78. I learn something new every day and forget several other things I already knew.

A thief broke into my house last night to search for money. I joined him.

Just remember – once you are over the hill you tend to pick up speed.

Having plans sounds great until you realise you must get dressed and actually leave the house!

I have reached the age where my mind thinks I’m 29, my humour suggests I’m 12, and my body questions why I’m not dead yet.

You don’t realise how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

All those health nuts are going to feel stupid one day lying in hospital dying of nothing.

We should take a lesson from the weather, everyone criticises it and it doesn’t care.

In the 60’s people took drugs to make the world weird, now the world is so weird people take Prozac to make it normal.

Men have 2 motivations: sex and food. So, if you see him approaching with a twinkle in his eye, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish he eats for a day, but teach a person to use the internet and he won’t bother you for months.

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