A Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop.The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Sometimes

Sometimes when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes when you’re hurting, no one sees your pain.

Sometimes when you’re sad, no one sees your sorrow.

But burp in shul just one time

The Bill

A woman decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!" The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for your use."

"But I didn't use them."

'Well, they are here, and you could have."

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here."

"But I didn't go to any of those shows.."

 "Well, we have them, and you could have."

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But Madam, this check is for only $50.00"

 "That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."

"But I didn't!"

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." 🤣

Mushroom Risotto

Stuck in a lockdown with limited supplies in the supermarkets Rachel decided she needed to do something to supplement her shopping. She went into the fields and collected mushrooms to put in a risotto.

Not only was is delicious but later that night a Welsh male choir of purple elephants showed up an played the whole of Neil Diamond’s “Hot August Night” album, accompanied by a light show.

Mousetrap

A man walks into a hardware store and says “One mousetrap please, and hurry, I have a bus to catch”

“Sorry” says the salesman “Our traps are not that big”

Airbus 

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio:   "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks:   "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"

The AirBus pilot laughs and says:   "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

The moral of the story is:  When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

Engineers: Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, 'Where did you get such a great bike?'
The second engineer replied, 'Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'   The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway.'

Engineers: Take Two

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!' The priest said, 'Here comes  the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.' The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.' The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

Engineers: Take Three

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, 'It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'
Another said, 'No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'
The last one said, 'No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'

Cheque for Chanukah

Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said “ Every year I send each of my grandchildren a Chanukah card with a generous cheque inside, and I never hear back from them; not a thank you note, not a phone call.”

Ruby replies “I do the same thing, send Chanukah cards to all my grandchildren with cheques inside, and within a week of sending them I hear back from every one of them; in fact they all pay me a personal visit”

“Wow! How Come?” asked Dolly.

“Very simple….I don’t sign the cheque”

Education

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?' The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?' The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?' The graduate with an arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Pet Heaven

A German shepherd, a budgie and a cat have all died, and all three face Hashem in heaven, who askes each one what they believe in.

The German shepherd replies - “Discipline, training and loyalty to my master”

Hashem considers his answer and replies – “You may sit on my right.”

The budgie replies – “I believe in singing for my master and doing tricks for him that make him happy.”

Hashem considers his answer and replies – “Then you may sit on my left.”

Then he looks at the cat – “And what do you believe in?”

The cat answers – “I believe you are sitting in my seat.”

Operation

Two kids are in a hospital each lying on a stretcher next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “what are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out. I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up, they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asked, “What are you in here for?”

The first kids says, “A circumcision.”

The second kid replies, “Whoa, good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year.”

A Few of Our Passover Things

(Sung to the tune of                                                        

 “These are a few of my Favourite Things”)

Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes 
Out with the chametz, no pasta, no knishes 
Fish that's gefilted, horseradish that stings 
These are a few of our Passover things. 

Matzoh and karpas and chopped up charoset 
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses 
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings 
These are a few of our Passover things. 

Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs 
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows 
Matzoh balls floating and eggshells that cling 
These are a few of our Passover things. 

When the plagues strike 
When the lice bite 
When we're feeling sad 
We simply remember our Passover things 
And then we don't feel so bad.

Hole in One

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that one Yom Kippur morning he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself.

An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, Hashem caused a mighty wind to take the ball directly from the tee to the cup – a miraculous shot.

The angel was horrified. "A hole in one!" he exclaimed, "You call this a punishment, Lord?!"

Answered Hashem with a smile, "So who can he tell?"

Beggars’ belief

Two beggars were sitting side by side on the street in Rome Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one was holding a Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting with the Cross.

The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him, so finally the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said:

“My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism.  People aren’t going to give you money if you sit with a  Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar holding a Cross. In fact they will probably give more money to him just out of spite!”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, turned to the Beggar with the Cross and said: “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?”

What is That?

In 1980 an old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave  the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at Moscow airport they found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The dog! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

Job offer

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the University of Technology, "And what starting salary are you  looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red convertible?"                                                                                        

The engineer sits up and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

You, Moses

Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The Israelites were mad at him for making the overseers more irritable than usual. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming voice spoke from above: 

"You, Moses, heed me! I have good news, and bad news."

Moses was staggered. The voice continued:

"You, Moses, will lead my People from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release you, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs"

"You, Moses, will lead my People to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will strike Egypt with a plague of Locust."

"You, Moses, will lead my People to freedom. If  Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."

Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"

"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."

Better Than

A rabbi and a Catholic priest are having lunch in a restaurant. The priest's food arrives, a scrumptious-looking ham entrée.

The priest attacks his lunch, savouring every bite of the ham. Noticing the rabbi eyeing him, he asks, "So tell me, Rabbi Goldblum, have you ever had any pork before?"

The rabbi hesitates. "Well, it's not for me to say..."

The priest pushes on. "Oh, c'mon, Rabbi. We're both men of God here. We can tell each other our sins. Nothing to it."

"Umm... well, yes, as a matter of fact, I did have pork once."

Smugly the priest teases him, "And a fine meat it was, wasn't it? Heheh."

"Yes."

A few moments pass. The rabbi asks the priest: "Tell me Father, have you ever had sex with a woman before?"

"Why of course... well, before I took holy orders, that is."

The rabbi smirks, "Better than pork, eh?"

Army Politics

During World War II, a sergeant stationed at Fort Benning gets a telephone call from a woman.

 "We would love it," she said, "if you could bring five of your soldiers over to our house for Thanksgiving dinner."

"Certainly, ma'am," replied the sergeant.

"Oh... just make sure they aren't Jews, of course," said the woman.

"Will do," replied the sergeant. So, that Thanksgiving, while the woman is baking, the doorbell rings. She opens her door and, to her horror, five negro soldiers are standing in front of her.

"Oh, my!" she exclaimed. "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake!"

"No ma'am," said one of the soldiers. "Sergeant Rosenbloom never makes mistakes!"

Dream Home

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."

Locket 

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

Annual

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"

Converts 1

Moishe and Solly are passing a Catholic Church and see a sign that reads "Convert to Catholicism, $50 Cash."
Moishe turns to his friend Solly and says, "Hey, I'm going to try it." He enters the church and returns a few minutes later.
"So, did you convert? What was it like?" Solly eagerly asks.
"It was nothing", says Moishe, "I walked in, a priest sprinkled holy water on me, and said 'you're a Catholic.'"
"Wow," says Solly, "and did you get the $50?"
Replies Moishe, "is that all you people think about?"

Converts 2

Three Jews who had recently converted to Christianity were having a drink together in a posh restaurant. They started talking about the reasons for their conversions.
“I converted out of love,” said the first. “Not for Christianity, but for a Christian girl. As you both know, my wife insisted that I convert.”
“And I,” said the second, “I converted in order to rise in the legal system. You probably know that my recent appointment as a federal judge may have had something to do with my new religion.”
The third man spoke up: “I converted because I think that the teachings of Christianity are superior to those of Judaism.”
“Are you kidding?” said the first man, spitting out his drink.
“What do you take us for, a couple of goyim?"

Filling In

A Catholic priest is called away by a family emergency one day, while on duty attending confession. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he asks his friend, a rabbi from the synagogue across the street, if he can fill in for him.

The rabbi says he wouldn't know what to do, so the priest agrees to stay with him for a few minutes and show him the ropes.
They enter their half of the confessional together and soon enough, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asks the priest.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?" continues the priest.
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more," finishes the priest.
The woman leaves and not long after a man enters and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do?"
"I have committed adultery."
"How many times?"
"Three times."
"Do three Hail Marys, put $5 in the poor-box, and sin no more." The man leaves.
The rabbi tells the priest he thinks he's got it figured out now, so the priest leaves, and the rabbi waits until another woman enters the confessional, who says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned."
"What did you do," asks the rabbi.
"I have committed adultery," she replies.
"How many times?"
"Twice."
"I tell you what," says the rabbi. "Go do it one more time and come back. We got a special this week, three for $5!"

Promotion

A rabbi once asked his old friend, a priest, "Could you ever be promoted within your Church?"

The priest says, thoughtfully, "Well, I could become a bishop."
The rabbi persists, "And after that?"
With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, "Maybe I could be a cardinal, even."
"And then?"
After thinking for some time, the priest responds, "Someday I may even rise to be the Pope."
But the rabbi is still not satisfied. "And then?"
With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, "What more could I become? God Himself?"
The rabbi says, "Nu, what’s the problem, one of our boys made it."

Goldman

 The census taker comes to the Goldman house.
“Does Louis Goldman live here?” he asks.
“No,” replies Goldman.
“Well, then, what is your name?”
“Louis Goldman.”
“Wait a minute–didn’t you just tell me that Goldman doesn’t live here?”
“Aha,” says Goldman. “You call this living?”

Elijah is watching you

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Elijah is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing.

He kept on creeping and again heard, "Elijah is watching you."

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Elijah is watching me"

The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"

The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said,

"That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Elijah.”

Prayer

Two men are walking through a game park and they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men.

They run as fast as they can and one man starts getting tired so he decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if it is still chasing them, and he sees the lion is on its knees.

Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying: "and thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

Who’s the man

Feinstein returned home from a business trip to discover that his wife had cheated on him
“Who was it?” he roared. “That bastard Wolf?”
“No,” replied his wife. “It wasn’t Wolf.”
“Was it Green, that creep?”
“No, it wasn’t him.”
“I know — it must have been that idiot Sherman.”
“No, it wasn’t Sherman, either.”
Feinstein was furious.

“Whatsa matter?” he cried. “None of my friends is good enough for you?”

Heaven

A Minister told his friend Rabbi Goldman, "Last night, I dreamed of Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people – running, playing, talking, sitting – doing all sorts of things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up."

The rabbi said, "Really? Last night, I dreamed of the Protestant Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up."
"And how did the people behave?" asked the minister.
"What people?"

The Price

Reuben received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 charge for the anesthesiologist. He called the doctors office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Reuben, "That's awfully costly for just knocking someone out!"

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around."

Archaeologist

The excited archaeologist exclaimed, “I’ve just discovered the 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!"

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." 

A week later, the curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and his cause of death. How in the world did you know?" 

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that read, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

The Squeeze

The circus comes to town, and one of the side show acts always generates a lot of interest. The barker takes a lemon and tosses it to a gigantic gorilla. The gorilla squeezes the lemon relentlessly, and the barker retrieves it from him.

He challenges the audience, for $5 a try, anyone can squeeze the lemon, and if they can get any additional juice out of the lemon, he will pay them $1000.

For years this goes on and no one ever collects .

Finally, he makes the challenge when the show comes to Sydney.

Moishe is a scrawny man who takes the challenge, and after the gorilla has pulverized the lemon, he look at it, pinches it between his thumb and forefinger, and produces 3 drops of juice.

The barker can't believe it! He asks if Moishe works out, but he doesn't. He asks how he was able to do it and Moishe says "I use to be a pledge collector for JCA."

I knew it

Miriam meets Arnold at her Israeli dance class, and they agree to see each other again at the weekend. When they meet they get on so well that she invites him back to her place. After a few drinks things start getting steamy – and that’s when Miriam notices some odd behaviour in Arnold.

First, as soon as takes his shirt off he goes to the bathroom to wash his hands. Five minutes later when he takes his trousers off, he goes to the bathroom to wash his hands. When he returns Miriam says “I bet you’re a dentist”

This surprises Arnold. He replies, “ Yes I am, but how did you know?”

“It was easy” says Miriam, “you keep washing your hands after each procedure. So shall we go to the bedroom?”

After they make love Miriam says “You must be an extremely good dentist”

“Well…yes, I am” says Arnold modestly “But how did you know?”

Miriam replies “Because I never felt a thing”

Minimilaist

Ginsberg never pays his bills.

Recently his friend Goldberg saw him bargaining with a supplier. “Hey, Ginsberg," Goldberg asks him, “why are you knocking that man's prices down? You're never going to pay him anyway”. 
“Listen”, answers Ginsberg, “he’s a nice chap. I just want to minimise his losses.”

Weight Machine

On his way to work one morning, Nathan arrives at the train station a bit early.

While he's waiting for his train, he notices a new machine on the platform - the sign on it says it's a state-of-the-art talking weighing machine.

So Nathan stands on it, puts in a $1 bill and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish." Nathan can't believe what he's just heard.

So he gets on it again and inserts another $1 bill. "You weigh 160 pounds, you are Jewish and you're waiting for the 7:35am train to take you to your job at the Bank." 

He is totally shocked, but he's determined to beat the machine. He goes into the mens room, ruffles up his hair, puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin. He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another $1. 

The machine instantly says, "You're still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds. You're also a shlimazel, you just missed your train."

Where to begin

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of

Northern Michigan University. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk. 

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to 
convert it. 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. 

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of G-d, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone voice he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from G-d's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." 

No Shul today

One Shabbat morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the Shul, to which he replied: "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked. 
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me", and " two, I don't like them." 
His mother replied: "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you MUST go to Shul. "ONE, you're 54 years old", and  "TWO, you're the Rabbi"

Divy it up

Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed.  He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them: 
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." 
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza." 
"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center." 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown" 
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property. Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...my husband has a seltzer route."

The Cow

Rabbi Hirsh lay on his hospital bed as his congregants and family sat close by, waiting to hear the dying words of their dear leader and father.

The rabbi's attendant, Yitzy, takes the cup of milk from the hospital meal, goes outside to his car, adds half a cup of shnaps and sneaks back inside. "Here Rabbi", Yitzy says, "drink this; it'll be good for you". The congregation waits to hear prized words from their spiritual guide.

Rabbi Hirsh takes a sip of the milk and his eyes open a little wider and he sits a little straighter. 
"Eh hem", he clears his throat and motions to them to come closer. 
"Listen to what I have to tell you: don't sell the cow."

How’s she doing?

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello," she said. " I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Cohen in Room 302," the woman answered.

"Just a moment, let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Cohen is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Weiss is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

"Thank G‑d!" the woman said. "That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, what wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly," the woman said. "I'm Sarah Cohen in 302! Nobody here tells me anything."

Serbo- Croatian

Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates show up at the job screening. Among them is Maurice Cohen, a French Jew, a small, bearded, bespeckled man.

Bill Gates thanks the candidates for coming but asks all those who are not familiar with the JAVA programming language to leave; 2000 people rise and leave the room.

Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try".

Bill Gates then asks all those who have no experience of managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people go. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I have never managed anybody but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?"

Then Bill Gates asks all candidates who do not have outstanding academic qualifications to rise and leave; 500 people remove themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asks all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croat language to rise and leave; 498 people rise and leave the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, "I do not speak Serbo-Croat but what the hell! Have I got anything to lose?"

He finds himself alone with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joins them and says: "Apparently you are the only two candidates who know JAVA, have managed large teams of employees, have advanced PhD degrees, and who can speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian."

Calmly Maurice turns to the other candidate and says to him: "Boruch ato Hashem."

The other candidate answers: "Elokénu melech ho'olom."

Thanks

A nasty anti-Semite walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by with kippa, tzitzis, and payos. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender so everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there.” 

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, he notices that the Jewish guy is smiling, and waves to him and says, "Thank you."

This infuriates him and in a loud voice, he once again orders drinks for everyone except the Jew. But as before, this does not seem to worry the Jewish guy who continues to smile, and again says, "Thank you."

So the guy says to the bartender, "What's the matter with that Jew? I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar except him, and all he does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Talent

A Hebrew school held a talent show and invited the whole local community to come. A young girl is playing Hava Nagila, when her grandmother notices a man in the audience crying. She moves next to him and says “Isn't it beautiful that our young are carrying on our Jewish traditions?”

The man says “I'm not Jewish”

The grandmother asks “So why are you crying?”

 “Because I'm a musician...”

Who’s your mother

In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who is your father?" 
The boy replies, "The Soviet Union." 
He then asks, "Who is your mother?" 
"The communist party," came the reply. 
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" 
"I want to be a worker for the glory of the state and the party." 
The inspector then points to one of the girls and asks, "Who is your father?" 
The girl answers, "The Soviet Union." 
"Who is your mother?" 
"The communist party." 
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" 
"A heroine of the Soviet Union raising lots of children for the state and party." 
The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and says, "What's your name?" 
The boy replies, "Mendel Abramovitch." 
"Who is your father?" 
"The Soviet Union." 
"Who is your mother?" 
"The communist party." 
"And what do you want to be when you grow up?" 
Mendel replies, "An orphan."

The cheap ride

Mordechai, his wife and their three children have just finished their shopping and decide to get a taxi back home. So he hails a cab and says to the driver, "If you turn off the meter, how much will you charge to drive us to Brooklyn?"

"For you and your wife, I'll charge just $12," says the taxi driver, "and I'll take the 3 children for free. Is that OK?"

Mordechai turns to his children and says, "Jump into the taxi, children, this nice man will take you home. Your mother and I will take the bus."

Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars 

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars — and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know — fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The Ticket

Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighbourhood on Long Island. A neighbour, a very friendly and generous black woman, stopped by one Saturday and offered, "Mrs Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter. Can I get you anything?" Mrs. Cohen thanked her and counter-offered, "Listen, I have a commuter's ticket for the train. Why don't you use my ticket, and you'll bring it back tonight. After all, it's paid for. Why should you pay extra?"

The neighbour thanked her and with the ticket in hand, made her way to the train station. When the train arrived, she boarded, and as the conductor walked through, he happened to glance at the ticket, noticing the name "Sadie Cohen.".

The conductor asked, "Excuse me, madam, are you Sadie Cohen , the person whose name appears on this ticket?"

The woman smiled sweetly and nodded her head in the affirmative.

More than a little suspicious, the conductor asked, "Would you let me compare signatures? Would you mind signing your name?" 

The black lady turned indignantly to the conductor and snapped, "Man, are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?

Immigration

A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel. 

The local commissar calls him in for questioning 
and asks: 

Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in 
your Synagogue? 
A. Can't complain. 

Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your 
fellow Jews? 
A. Can't complain. 

Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within 
and beyond the village? 
A. Can't complain. 

Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children 
Torah? 
A. Can't complain. 

Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession? 
A. Can't complain. 

Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel? 
A. "There, I can complain!"

Half a Head

Isaac arrives in London from Canada and takes a job working on the shop floor of HYMIE’S SUPERMARKET. One day, a customer asks him where he can find half a head of lettuce and Isaac tells him that they only sell whole heads of lettuce. But the customer is insistent and gets Isaac to consult with Hymie. So Isaac goes into the back room and says to Hymie, "Some idiot wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." 
As he finishes his sentence, Isaac turns to find the customer standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, "And this gentleman offered to buy the other half." 
Hymie approves the deal and the customer leaves satisfied. Later that day, Hymie says to Isaac, "I was very impressed with the way you got yourself out of that tricky situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from?" 
"I’m from Canada, sir," Isaac replies. 
"So why did you leave Canada?" Hymie asks. 
"Because too many yentas and hockey players live there," replies Isaac, smiling. 
"That’s quite surprising," says Hymie, looking angry. "My wife is from Canada." 
Isaac replies, "You don't say? Who did she play for?"

Letters

Dear Dad 
Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple card a$ I would love to hear from you. 
Love, 
Your $on 
Moi$he 

His father replies: -

Dear Moishe 
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and one can never study eNOugh. 
Love your father, 
ArNOld

Luck

Chaim is in the hospital, recovering from a massive heart attack, with his wife, Yenta, at his side. As he comes out of his drugged stupor he turns to his wife and says, "Yenta, you remember when I had my appendectomy"? "of course!" says Yenta. "And you were sitting by my side then" says Chaim, "I wouldn't have been any where else" replies Yenta. "And remember the emergency hernia operation when I almost didn't make it?" asks Chaim, "you were by my side then too". "of course" replies Yenta demurely with tears in her eyes. "And now I wake up from a massive heart attack and here you are- by my side!" exclaims Chaim, "yes, yes" says Yenta, wiping away a tear. "so you were by my side by the appendectomy, you were right there when I had the 
hernia and here you are when I have a heart attack. Yenta, you think maybe you bring me bad luck"?

Left Behind

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. 
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. 
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around — in order return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. 
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. 
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her — the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. 
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her Glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you Might as well get my hat and the credit card.”

Bet on the Hat

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the shul. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel off his head.. The rabbi ran after it, but the wind was so strong that it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He could not catch up with it.

A young man, a gentile, witnessing this event and being fitter than the rabbi, ran after the hat, caught it and handed it over to him. The rabbi was so happy and grateful that he gave the man five dollars and put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about the tip and the blessing and decided to go to the racetrack to bet his five unexpected dollars.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man, "looked at the program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat running. The odds on the horse were 100 to 1, the longest shot in the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing and the five dollars and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being Top Hat, I thought this was a message from G-d, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened; the horse that was the longest shot in the field and who did not have the slightest chance to even show came in first by five lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Yes, $500, but wait, it gets better," replied the son. "On the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of Stetson was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father.

"The horse Stetson won and I collected big money."

"You mean you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father.

"No," said the son, "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, so I bet all the money on it, because the horse was the heavy favorite, and the name also means hat in French, and it all started with the rabbi's hat. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is chapeau not chateau, said the father. You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me who won the race anyway?"

"A long-shot Japanese horse named Yamalka. 

Hotel

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami. "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I'd like a room for two weeks.

"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied." Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out. "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."

"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed."

"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."

"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of G-d?

"Jesus, Son of Mary.

"Where was he born?

"In a stable."

"And why was he born in a stable?"

"Because a goy like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!" 

Hearing

Yankel listened to the Rebbe at shul one Shabboss morning and when the Rebbe asked those with special requests to come to him at Seuda Shlisheet/(3rd meal) , Yankel came. 

When it was his turn, Yankel sat down and the Rebbe asked, "What do you want me to help you with?" 

Yankel said, "Pray for my hearing, Rebbe." 

The Rebbe put one hand over Yankel's ear and his other hand on top of his head and prayed a while. 

Then he removed his hands and asked, "Yankel, how is your hearing now?" 

Yankel answered, "I don't know, Rebbe. It's next Wednesday at the courthouse!"

Push

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, 
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'It is three o'clock in the morning.' He slams the door and returns to bed. 
'Who was that?' asked his wife. 
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 
'Did you help him?' she asks. 
'No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!' 
His wife said, 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' 
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. 
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello! Are you still there?' 
'Yes,' comes back the answer. 
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband. 
'Yes! Please!' comes the reply from the darkness. 
'Where are you?' asks the husband. 
'Over here on the swing!!' replies the drunk

Dog Eat Dog

The Israelis and Arabs finally realized that if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the world.

So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight. The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best 
fighting dog they could.

The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the disputed areas.The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian  wolves.

They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed them the best food . They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.

After the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on its cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast. When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.

The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."

"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

Respect

An Italian barber, giving a man a haircut, learns that his client is a Protestant minister. When it comes time to pay, the barber says, "Reverend, of course I'm not a Protestant. But I respect any man of G-d. I will not accept money from you." The minister is very touched, thanks the barber, goes out, and an hour later comes back and gives him a beautiful edition of the New Testament. 
A few days later, a man with a clerical collar comes in for a haircut. When it comes time to pay, the barber says "Father, I, of course, am also a Catholic. I will not take money from you." The priest is very touched, thanks the barber, goes out, and an hour later comes back with a beautiful crucifix. 
A few days later a man comes in for a haircut. While talking to him, the barber learns that he is a rabbi. When it comes time to pay, the barber says: "I, of course, am not a Jew. But I respect any religious leader. I will not take money from you." The rabbi is very touched, thanks the barber, and an hour later comes back with another rabbi. 

Loan

A Jewish man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Israel on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan. The Jewish man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Jewish man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later, the Jewish man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000?"

The Jewish man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'" 

Fly

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

*The Englishman*: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away. 

*The American*: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.

*The Chinese*: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

*The Japanese*: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.

*The Israeli*: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese, and buys himself a new cup of coffee. 

*The Palestinian* : Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the fly in his coffee; asks the UN for aid; takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee; uses the money to purchase explosives, then blows up the coffee house, where The Englishman, the American, The Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he was too aggressive.  

Bribe

Having a $100,000 court case Chaim suggested to the lawyer that perhaps it would be wise to bribe the judge. "Absolutely not, this judge is very straight. He would surely decide against the party who sends a bribe."

A couple of month later Chaim won the court case. "You see" said the lawyer "it's good you followed my advice and didn't bribe the judge."

"No, I didn't listen to you I actually did bribe the judge, but I sent it in the name of the other party."

Evening Prayers

When young David was asked by his father to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered so he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers were over. 
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes and removed his hand. The father said, "This is important...put your hand back on his head!" to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I my brother's kipah?"

War with the USA

Two Jews were sitting in a Tel Aviv cafe in the precarious days after Israel first had won its independence, and one said to the other, "I only see one way out." 
"What's that?" 
"Israel must declare war on the United States." 
"What are you talking about? How could that possibly help us?" 
"Well, we'd lose at once and the Americans would send an occupying force. They would form an alliance with a new pro-American government, guarantee our boundaries, flood us with American capital, establish our industries, and make us prosperous." 
"Hmmmm! I see your point, but it won't work." 
"Why not?" 
"Because with our luck, we'd win the war and spoil everything." 

Name

A Gabbai approaches a guest in the shul and says, "I want to give you an Aliyah. What is your name?" 
The man answers, "Esther ben Moshe." 
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name." 
"It's Esther ben Moshe," the man says. 
"How can that be your name?" 
The man answers, "I've been having financial problems, so everything is in my wife's name."

Banner

The Iranian president calls the American president and tells him, " I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" the American president asks. The Iranian president replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

the American president says, "You know, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" The Iranian president asks.

The American president replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

Poison

A man named Irving goes to seek counsel from his Rabbi. 
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." 
"What's wrong?" Asked the Rabbi 
Irving replied, "I think my wife is poisoning me." 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" 
Irving pleads, "I'm telling you Rabbi, I'm certain she's poisoning me! What should I do?" 
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." 
A week later the Rabbi calls Irving and says, "Well, I have spoken to your wife - I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" 
Irving anxiously responds, "Yes." 
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.

Not Wanted

Abe goes into Church, takes out the tallis, takes out the yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.

The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says, "Will all non-Catholics please leave." Abe goes right on davening.

Next request, again, "Will all non-Catholics please leave."

Nothing.

Finally, the Priest gets up and says, "Will ALL JEWS please leave."

At this Abe gets up folds his tallis and packs it away, takes off the yarmulke and puts it away. Then Abe goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says, "Come bubbela they don't want us here anymore." 

The Word

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

"The word is celebrate!" says the old monk.

Eloping

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With a frightening premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS - Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the awful report card that's in my centre desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Ready

The Israeli Ambassador who was at the U.N. for negotiations, began...

"Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I want to relay an old Passover story to all of you .. When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt toward the Promised Land, he had to go through the nearly endless Sinai desert. When they reached the Promised Land, the people had become very thirsty and needed water. So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. The people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content.

Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water, he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen. 
'And,' he said, 'I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole my clothes.'"

The Palestinian delegate to the UN, hearing this accusation, jumps from his seat and screams out, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at that time!"

"Aha" said the Israeli Ambassador, "Now, we are ready for negotiations..."

Divorce

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. 
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. 
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Honey,” he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

Roman Standoff

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger. Next ... the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten ... that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one G-d common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that G-d was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that G-d was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that G-d absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue.

Meanwhile ... the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows? " said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Dog

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas (ritual custodian) comes up to him and says, "Pardon me sir, but this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here!"

"What do you mean?" says the man. "This is a Jewish dog. Look." The shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck this dog has a tallis bag (prayer shawl) around its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipah!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipah and puts it on his head. "Rover," says the man, "tallis!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!" "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a prayer book and starts to pray. "That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely incredible! You should take him to Hollywood. Get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make you millions!!

"You talk to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

Funeral

Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Sam's wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, “Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said Rose. "Fifty-thousand."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really... $50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is 
it?" 
"Seven and a half carats”

Kosher Teeth

When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth. So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and religious I also have separate sets of teeth."

The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?" Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food. The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about the fifth set?"

"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich." .

Car Accident

Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck. Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Shmuel.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Shmuel's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele".

Shmuel thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely dog, into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans. Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes.

Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, "How you feeling?"

"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?

Don’t Turn Back

The Hebrew School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Josh interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

Pharmacist

Doctor Levenson is on his way to a dinner where he has to speak, and scribbles some notes for himself, but when he gets up to speak, he cannot read his own handwriting! In a panic, he scans the audience and says: “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there — if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

 Doctor

A woman runs into a theatre in Israel, calling out " Is there a doctor in the house, doctor , doctor"

The play stops, the lights go on, and three men get up, each saying " I am a doctor - how can I help"

"Oy", answers the woman, .... " have I got a girl for you!"

 Archaeology 

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and concluded that their ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago.

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U.K. newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

One week later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were already using wireless technology."

Science vs G-d

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a 
long way and no longer needed G-d. So they picked one scientist to go and 
tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to G-d and said, "G-d, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

G-d listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, G-d said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But G-d added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

G-d looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt.

The Secret of Successful Marriage 

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the Temple's Marriage Marathon, the Rabbi asked the husband, Morris, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years. 
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The Rabbi inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The Rabbi then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Morris. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?" 
"I'm going to go get her."

Sermon

The shabbos service finishes and the congregation is invited to a kiddush in the shul hall. During the kiddush, Mordechai goes over to Rabbi Bloom, shakes his hand and says, "Rabbi, you gave a good sermon today - you should have it published." 
"Thank you," says Rabbi Bloom, "but just between you and me, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." 
"That's good news," says Mordechai, "and the sooner the better."

Which One

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." 
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry." 
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." 
"That's amazing, Mom. You're right. How did you know?" 
"I don't like her."

Communuity

A Rabbi once travelled to a distant town to speak on the subject of teshuva to the locals. He wanted to get across the point that we all will be called to task in heaven for our actions on this world. He warned, "Everyone in this community is eventually going to die. Therefore you must do teshuva before it is too late."

As his point was taken, he noticed that everyone in the room became sombre except one man who was grinning. The Rabbi wondered why this man wasn't getting into the proper mood. He decided he should make the point stronger. 
"My good townsfolk, you must remember that sooner than you think, you are going to die. At that time you will be called to judgment in the heavenly court. All your sins will be revealed and discussed. It can be a horrific experience. Repent now." As the Rabbi looked around the room he saw people squirming uneasily and looking distressed. But, to the Rabbi's chagrin, he saw that the man who had been grinning was now chuckling.

The Rabbi realized that he was now going to have to pull out all the stops. 
"Members of this noble community, you must realize that your lives on this earth are only temporary - as fleeting as the shadow of a passing bird. Soon will come the frightening Day of Judgment. You will be brought before the heavenly tribunal whose judges you cannot bribe or deceive. All your innermost secrets will be presented and scrutinized by the court. Your feeble excuses will not work there like they do here. The judgment will be exacting. Your only chance is to repent now before it is too late."

At this point, everyone in the audience was turning white and trembling with fear. 
Everyone appeared as though they were about to faint, excepting the one man who by now was laughing out loud.

The Rabbi couldn't control himself and he asked the man why he was reacting this way. The man replied, "Because I am not a member of this community."

Prayer

An elegantly dressed man starts up the steps of a large temple on Yom Kippur. At the front door, a security guard stops him:

"Are you a member of this synagogue, sir?" the guard asks.

"No."

"Did you purchase a ticket to attend Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur services here?"

"No, I did not," the man says.

"I'm sorry," the guard says, "but you are forbidden to enter the synagogue then."

The man is desperate. "I have a very important message to give to Mr. Brian Goldstein. It's a matter of the greatest importance, an emergency. His wife just had a baby. You must let me in to speak with him."

"Okay, okay," the guard finally says. "I'll let you in. But if I catch you praying..."

Jewish Home

After the circumsizing of his baby brother in shul, little Jonah sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That rabbi said he wanted us brought up in a Jewish home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Sermon

A boy was watching his father, a rabbi, write a sermon. 
"How do you know what to say?" he asked. 
"Why, G-d tells me." 
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Visit from Mother

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.

She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle...it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll to carry my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:

Betty: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one."

Praying Parrot

After his wife died, an old Jew received a parrot from his sons to keep him company. After a time, he discovered that the parrot had heard him pray so often that it learned to say the prayers. The old man was so thrilled he decided to take his parrot to the synagogue on the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah.

The rabbi protested when he entered with the bird, but when told the parrot could "daven" (pray in Yiddish), the rabbi, though still skeptical, showed interest. People started betting on whether the parrot would pray, and the old man happily took bets that eventually totaled $50,000.

The prayers began but the bird was silent. As the prayers continued there was still not a word from the bird.

When the prayers ended, the old man was not only crestfallen but also $50,000 in debt. On the way home he thundered at his parrot: "Why did you do this to me? I know you can pray, you know you can pray. Why did you keep your mouth shut? Do you know how much money I owe people now?"

To which the parrot replied: "A little business imagination would help you, dear friend. You must look ahead: Can you imagine what the stakes will be like on Yom Kippur?"

Food of Grief

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Miami. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all, and we all have, or will, eat it. Would anyone care to guess what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old Jewish man in the front row, raised his hand and said, "Vedding Cake?

Grandsons

An elderly woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.

Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.

"Tell me, Mrs. Rosenwasser, how old are your grandsons?"

Mrs. Rosenwasser gave her a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six...."

Memory

Rose and Sadie have been friends for over 50 years and in this time, they have shared all kinds of activities and visited many parts of the world together. Now, in the latter part of their lives, their activities are limited to meeting twice a week to play cards. Today was one of those card days. Whilst Rose is dealing out the cards, Sadie looks at Rose and says, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I’ve tried for five minutes but I just can't remember it. Please, please tell me your name."

Rose stares at Sadie for some time before replying, "How soon do you need to know?"

Bad News

A civil servant is badly hurt falling down the stairs of the Ministry of Absorption in Jerusalem.

He is taken to Hadassah hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him:

"My friend, I have for you some bad news and some good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again..."

"Nu, and what's the bad news?"

Clients

O'Sullivan, Cabot, Kelly and Mendlebaum was one of the most successful law firms in New York . Of all the partners, Mendlebaum brought in the most business. Lunching with him one day, a curious friend asked, "Why is your name listed last? O'Sullivan spends most of his time in the south of France . Cabot is at his club's bar every afternoon, and Kelly is at the race track all the time. Since you bring in all the business, your name should be first."

To which Mendlebaum replied, "All my clients read from right to left."

The Butler

A Jewish couple won twenty million pounds on the lottery. They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury. They bought a magnificent mansion in Knightsbridge and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

Then they decided to hire a butler. They found the perfect butler through an agency, very proper and very British, and brought him back to their home.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room table for four, as they were inviting the Cohens to lunch. The couple then left the house to do some shopping. When they returned, they found the table set for eight. They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed him to set the table for four.

The butler replied, "The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing the Blintzes and the Knishes."

Pit Bull

A man in Paris saw a pit bull attacking a toddler. He killed the pit bull and saved the girl's life. Reporters swarmed the fellow to cover the story....

"Tell us! What's your name? All Paris will love you! Tomorrow's headline will be: "Paris Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "But I'm not from Paris."

Reporters: "That's OK. Then the whole of France will love you and tomorrow's headline will read: "French Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!"

The guy says, "I'm not from France, either."

Reporters: "That's OK also. All Europe will love you. Tomorrow's headlines will shout: "Europe's Hero Saves Girl from Vicious Dog!'"

The guy says, "I'm not from Europe, either."

Reporters: "So, where ARE you from?"

The guy says, "I'm from Israel."

Reporters: "Oh. OK.....Then tomorrow's headlines will proclaim to the world: "Jew Kills Girl's Dog!"

(Now you understand the media......)

Giving In

Abie and Sadie had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the lower east side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Hispanics were moving in.

"Abie, we have to move to Westchester," said Sadie.

"We can't", said Abie. "This neighborhood is our life. We've been here for thirty-three years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."

Sadie says,"What? Catholic articles? Bistu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!!!"

Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallisim, three mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait. Sadie agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so she said to Abie, "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."

Abie: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abie and Sadie's on Delancey Street. I want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what do you call them, rosaries? 500 crucifixes...and I need those things here tomorrow."

"OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back. 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But, tomorrow we don't deliver... .....it's Shabbos."

Stamps

A woman goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denominations? "

"Oh my G‑d," the woman says. "Has it come to this? Give me 35 Orthodox, 12 conservative, and 3 Reform."

Violin Practice

Little Harold was practicing violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. 
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Early Morning Lecture

A Jewish man is speeding along the highway at 1 a.m. A policeman stops him and asks, "Where are you racing at this hour?" 
"To a lecture," the man responds. 
"Who will give you a lecture at this hour?" the policeman wonders. 
"My wife," he replies.

Vus titzuch

The President calls in the head of the CIA and asks,

"How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression, 'Vus titzuch?'" 
The President says, "Hell, what's that mean?

"Well, Mr. President", replies the CIA chief, "It's a Yiddish expression which roughly translates to 'what's happening'. They just ask each other and they know everything."

The President decides to go undercover to determine if this is true. 
He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car and dropped off in Brooklyn's most  Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along. The President stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?

The old guy whispers back: "The President is in Brooklyn."

Do we have enough Jews?

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.

One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"

"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our likely enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China."

The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir, " asks the panicky officer, "do we have enough Jews?

Kosher Bear

A Jewish man went for a walk in the woods. Suddenly, a 7-foot-tall bear appeared and approached him along the path. The man was petrified and began praying fervently for deliverance. The man noticed that the bear stopped, put on a kippah, and began praying. As the man approached the bear with an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he heard the bear conclude his prayer with: "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen"

Tired Astronaut

The first Jewish astronaut returned from a six week space shuttle mission in which he had orbited the earth every four hours. "So, how do you feel?" the reporter asked. "Exhausted," replied the astronaut. "Do you know how many times I had to say shachris, mincha, and maariv?"

Save the Cow

It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study.

"Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?" The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath over a cow," he replied.

"That's too bad. A cow has fallen in the lake and she is going under," Moshe continued. "Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time without looking up from his studies. "Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly lost now. I feel sorry for the beast.”

"Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do?”

"And I feel sorry for you," Moshe said.

"Why me?" said the rabbi looking up.

"It was your cow."

Fish Talk

The waiter serves his customer a whitefish. As he's walking away he overhears his customer talking to the fish. Soon the customer is deep in conversation with his lunch. "So what's the deal here," says the waiter. "You plan on eating it or taking it home and marrying it?”

"We're just schmoozing," says the customer. "Turns out the fish is from Great Neck Bay. I used to live there. So I was asking him how things are back in Great Neck”. "Sure, so what did he say?" asked the waiter. "He said, 'How should I know? I ain't been there in years!'"

What is it to you

A man is walking through a forest pondering life. He walks...ponders...walks...and ponders. He feels so close to nature, and even close to G-d, so close he feels that if he spoke G-d would answer. So he says, "G-d, are you listening?"

And G-d replies, "Yes my son, I am here."

So the man stops and ponders some more. He looks towards the sky and says, "G-d, what is a million years to you?"

G-d replies, "Well, my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continues to walk and ponder...walk and ponder. Then he looks to the sky and again says, "G-d, what is a million dollars to you?"

G-d replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little."

So the man looks down, ponders a bit, then looks up to the sky and says, "G-d, can I have a million dollars?" And G-d replies, "In a second."

Human Nature

A congregant asked his rabbi, "Why is it, Rabbi, that I always find you, a man of G-d, talking business when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm not at work?"

"You have discovered one of the principles of human nature," the rabbi replied. "And what principle is that?"

"People like to discuss things they know nothing about."

Career

"My son," says Mrs. Levi, "is a physicist."

"My son," says Mrs. Greenberg, "is president of an insurance company."

"My son," says Mrs. Goldblatt, "is the head of a law firm and president of the bar association."

"My son," says Mrs. Miller, "is a rabbi."

"A rabbi? What kind of career is that for a Jewish boy?"

The Texan

A Texan visiting Israel meets a farmer there.

The Texan asks him what he does. "I raise a few chickens," says the Israeli.

"I'm also a farmer. How much land do you have?" asks the Texan.

"Fifty meters in front, but almost a hundred meters out back. What about your farm?" The Texan tells him, "On my farm, I can drive from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."

"That's too bad," says the Israeli. "I once had a car like that."

Four Friends

Four friends are sitting in a restaurant in Israel. For a long time, nobody says anything.

Then, one man groans, "Oy."

"Oy vey," says a second man.

"Nu," says the third.

At this, the fourth man gets up from his chair and says, "If you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving!"

Gamble

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."

"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him cooly and replied "With whom?"

All the Same

An American Jew and Chinese man are sitting in a bar. Suddenly, the Jew pulls the Chinese guy off his stool and punches him. The Chinese guy, obviously startled, exclaims "What did you do that for?"

"That was for Pearl Harbor!", said the Jew.

"That was the Japanese, not the Chinese," said the Chinese man.

"Chinese, Japanese, you're all the same", said the Jew.

And both men sat back down at the bar.

A short time later, the Chinese man suddenly pulls the Jew off his stool and punches him. "What was that for?", asked the Jew.

"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese guy said.

"What? My people had nothing to do with that," said the Jew.

The Chinese guy replied, "Iceberg, Hirshberg, Blumberg, you're all the same".

Rescue

Two guys are stranded on an island in the middle of the south pacific. One is desperately trying to build a bonfire, the other sits on a log and watches. "C'mon and help me build this fire or they will never find us!" The other replies, "Hey, I gave 50 thousand dollars to the UJA last year. Believe me, they'll find us!"

Deterent

A priest had mice in his church. He didn't know what to do! So he went to his friend the Rabbi who he know had mice problems earlier but no longer did. The priest asked, "Rabbi how did you get rid of the mice and make sure that they wouldn't come back?" The Rabbi answered, "I Bar Mitzvahed them."

Conception

A rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing when life begins. The priest says: "In our religion, life begins at conception." The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe that life begins when the fetus is viable away from the mother's womb." The rabbi responds: "You both are wrong. In our religion life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog dies."

Guru

A middle aged Jewish woman goes in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in all it takes her months of hardship to track down this guru.

When she finds him he is in the middle of some kind of ritual which lasts for days and the guru's followers won't let her see him.

Finally the guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted. She stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says. "It's time to come home!"

Traif

A few days before Passover a rabbi was walking home when he noticed his shamos walking ahead of him. The rabbi hurried to catch up as he had some important matters to discuss. Much to his dismay, the rabbi saw that the shamos had entered a Chinese restaurant. The rabbi couldn't believe his eyes.

He looked again and saw the shamos pointing to the menu and talking to the waiter.

He looked again and saw the waiter deliver a tray of food to the shamos.

Then he saw the shamos take the chop sticks and start eating a traif meal, including shrimp.

The rabbi could no longer contain himself. He burst into the resturant and said, "Moshe, what are you doing?" Moshe looked up and said to the rabbi, "I don't understand." The rabbi said, "I just saw you, Moshe, my most holy shamos, with all this traif food." Moshe said, "Rabbi, did you see me come into this restaurant? "

"Yes I did," replied the Rabbi.

"Did you see me order the food?"

"Yes I did" said the rabbi.

"Did you see me eat the food?"

"Of course I did! Why do you think I barged in here?"

"Well then," said Moshe, "I don't see the problem. It was all done under rabbinical supervision!"

Dotted Line

There was once a Jewish pilot who was asked to test a plane for the military. On a test flight, when the test pilot started to take off, the wings fell off at the end of the runway. His boss was in a state of panic and ordered that the wings be riveted back on.

The next day when the pilot took off in the plane, something didn't feel right so he took the plane in for a landing. Just as the plane touched down, the wings fell off again along the rivet lines. Now his boss was over the edge.

He no longer knew what to do, and the company would fold and he would be bankrupt if a solution could not be found. The test pilot told his boss that he would speak to his Rabbi and after Passover he would tell him what to do.

When he returned to work he instructed the crew to make perforations in perfectly straight lines along both wings both on top and on the bottom. When his boss found out, he was furious. The next day was the military test. The pilot banked to the left and to the right, did loops and rolls and then brought the plane in for a perfect landing. Everyone was amazed that this plane with all the holes in the wings could fly and the military placed an order on the spot for the planes.

As soon as they all left the boss asked his pilot what his rabbi had said. The pilot told him that the rabbi said to make the perforations and to pray to G-d every day. His boss wanted to know how the holes prevented the wings from breaking off in a straight line. His pilot answered with a question, "Have you ever tried to break a piece of matzo on the lines?"

Calling G-d

A tourist is passing through Rome. While he's there, he decides he wants to see the Pope, and he actually gets an appointment with his holiness! While he's chatting with the Pope, he notices that on his desk are two phones, a red phone and a white phone. The tourist asks, "Excuse me, your holiness, but why do you have two telephones? "

The Pope replies, "The red phone is so I can speak to the college of cardinals, and the white phone is so I can speak with G-d."

"With G-d?"

"Yes, with G-d. Would you like to speak to G-d?"

"Why, yes, thank you. "

So the tourist speaks with G-d for 20 minutes. After he hangs up, the Pope says, "I'm sorry, my son, but I'll have to charge you 250 American dollars for that call."

The tourist figures, sure, why not? How often does he get to talk with G-d? He pays the Pope and then leaves.

Continuing on his journey, the tourist travels through Israel. He wants to meet with the prime minister and gets an appointment. While he's chatting with the prime minister, he notices that on his desk are two phones, a red phone and a white phone. The tourist asks, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have two telephones?" The prime minister replies, "The red phone is so I can chat with my cabinet members, and the white phone is so I can speak with G-d."

"With G-d?"

"Yes, with G-d. Would you like to speak to G-d?"

"Why, yes, thank you. "

So the tourist speaks with G-d for another 20 minutes. After he hangs up, the prime minister says, "I'm sorry, but I'll have to charge you 25 American cents for the call."

"25 cents?"

"Yes, 25 cents." Then the tourist continues, "When I was in Rome, I met with the Pope and he had a phone just like this, and I spoke with G-d for the same amount of time, but there it cost 250 dollars. Why is it 25 cents here?"

The prime minister smiled and replied, "Well, that was long distance. Here, it's a local call."

Coming Over

A married daughter calls her mother: "Hello Ma?"

"Shirley darling, what's the problem?"

"Oh Ma, I don't know where to start. Both of the kids have the flu. The fridge has just broken down. The sink is leaking. In 2 hours the Sisterhood is coming over for lunch. What should I do?"

"Shirley darling, don't worry. I'm going to get on the bus and go into the city. Then I'll take the train out to Long Island. Then I'll walk the 2 miles from the station to your house. I'll take care of the kids, I'll cook a nice lunch for the sisterhood and I'll even make dinner for Barry."

"Barry? Who's Barry?"

"Barry, your husband!"

"But Ma, my husband's name is Gary. Is this 555-2093?"

"No, this is 555-2903."

"Does this mean you're not coming over?"

My Luck

Sam, a real shlimazl approached his more successful brother Moshe for a loan. Moshe refused him of course.

"But you have to give me the loan," said Sam.

"Why?" said Moshe wearily. "Or maybe I don't want to know."

"If you don't give me the loan I'll go into the hat business."

"Nu, so what?" replied Moshe.

"What do you mean 'so what?'" said Sam. "If a man with my luck went into the hat business, every baby in the country would be born without a head!"

Keep Walking

Avram, while working in the hot sun of the Negev, said to his son, working beside him, "It's hard, but we're making the desert bloom. It's a thousand percent better than the persecution we suffered in Russia. You're lucky to be born in Israel."

"Lucky?" said his son, "You call this lucky?"

"Ungrateful boy!" said Avram. "Moses walked for 40 years just to get here. This is the Promised Land!"

"Did it ever occur to you," snapped his son, "that if Moses had just kept walking for a few more weeks we'd be living on the Riviera?"

Heaven

Moshe is walking down the street when the sky opens up and it begins to rain like crazy. The only shelter nearby is a store front church where a revival meeting is being conducted, but Moshe is desperate so he ducks into the church to wait out the storm. He takes a seat in the back and he soon finds himself enjoying the sermon.

The preacher has a lot style with lots of colorful language and dramatic pulpit pounding. Moshe is just getting relaxed and comfortable when the preacher yells out, "Everybody who wants to go to heaven stand up!"

The entire congregation stands except for Moshe who is just enjoying the show. "You in the back," yells the preacher, "don't you want to go to heaven?"

"Sure," says Moshe, "but what's the hurry?"

Recruits

The Tsar's army was in such desperate need of recruits that all of the students of a large Yeshiva were drafted en masse. As the students were being trained in how to shoot rifles they astounded their teachers with the consistent accuracy of their shooting. One bullet followed its brother like magic into the same hole in the centre of the target.

So, with great hopes, the students were formed into a single unit and marched off to the front.

But when they got to the front the officer yelled, "ready ... aim ... fire!" and nothing happened. The enemy was advancing and the officer began to lose it. "Fire!" he yelled. "Fire, you idiots, fire!" Why won't you fire?"

"Can't you see?" spoke up one of the boys with calm logic. "There are people out there. Someone might get hurt."

Refill

After a philosophy lecture a particularly difficult student stood up and declared, "Professor Greenberg, you have destroyed everything I believe in, but you have given me nothing to take its place."

"Young man," the professor responded, "you will recall that as one of the labors of Hercules, he was required to clean out the Augean stables. He was not, let me point out, required to refill them.

A Customer, a Clerk and the Store Manager

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, “No, ma’am, we haven’t had any for some weeks now, and it doesn’t look as if we’ll be getting any soon.”

Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said…“That isn’t true, ma’am. Of course, we’ll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago.”

Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, “Never, never, never say we don’t have something. If we don’t have it, say we ordered it and it’s on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?”

The clerk smiled and said, “Rain…”

Oy Vey

Four Jewish ladies are playing a game of cards.

The first lady sighs and says, "Oy..."

The second lady nods, sighs and says, "Oy vey!"

The third lady says, "Oy veys meer!"

The fourth lady chimes in: "Enough talk about the children. Let's

get back to the game."

The Anaesthesiologist

Bill received a bill from the hospital for his recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 charge for the anaesthesiologist. He called his office to demand an explanation.

"Is this some kind of mistake?" he asked when he got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.

"Well," said Bill, "That's awfully costly for just knocking someone out!"

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The $900 is for bringing you back around."

Business Turnaround

Sam meets his friend Moshe in the shopping center. "Hi Moshe, I haven't seen you for some months. So nu? How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"

"Well, as I told you then, I put up the money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed a bit since then."

"What do you mean?" Sam asks.

"Now Maurice has the money and I have the business experience."

Big Decisions
A Rabbi gave a man the best wedding advice, that his wife should be in charge of small decisions and he, the big ones. After 30 years he came to the rabbi complaining: “In 30 years, there have been no big decisions!”

To which his wife responded: “Of course there have been-and I allowed you to decide them all!” 
“Like what?” Asked the husband. ”Like what?”

“I will tell you: a big decision is what to do about Global Warming, conflict in Iraq, the situation in Iran... that you decide, my dear, and I do not mix in. Small decisions are-where we live, where we send our kids to school, which synagogue we attend, what type of house we buy!”

Whose Right?

Morris and Miriam, both a bit stubborn, were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," Miriam told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

Morris agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," Miriam said. 

With a twinkle in his eye, Morris responded, "You're right!"

Long Speech

A famous TV producer attended a Rosh Hashanah service at a certain congregation in Hollywood. The Rabbi delivered a forty-five minute sermon on the importance of repentance and holiness. After the service was over and everyone was lining up to wish the Rabbi well, the producer introduced himself and said, “Hi, I’m the producer of a highly-regarded and very successful news show. Rabbi, do you think you could condense your sermon into three minutes?”

The Rabbi, who had visions of being on national television and becoming rich and famous immediately said: “Yes! I could do that.”
“Nu”, said the TV producer: “Then why didn’t you?”

Newlyweds

This newlywed couple checked into a suite at the Watergate Hotel in Washington for their honeymoon. The bride was worried that the place might still be bugged, so she asked her husband to search the room thoroughly. He looked behind the curtains, under the bed, in the closets, and finally under the rug. And there, beneath the rug, he found a mysterious disc with four screws. Using his Swiss army knife, he undid the screws and threw the disc out the window!

The following morning, as they were checking out, the hotel manager asked: “So how was your stay?... How was the service?... Was everything ok - any issues?”

The groom was suspicious. “Why are you asking me so many questions?”

“Well,” said the manager, “the suite under you complained that the chandelier fell on them!”

The Boat

A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted.

When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, he saw the name painted on the side: "For Sale”.

The Old Man

Arnold had reached the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Worried by Arnold's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

Arnold looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected G‑d to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have “forgotten” about me and I don't want to remind Him."

Bar Mitzvah

When Ben and his family returned home from his son’s Bar Mitzvah, they were shocked to discover that all the money and cards he received had gone missing! Rivkah, Ben’s wife swore she handed all the cards and money to the Rabbi and asked him to keep an eye on it throughout the party. Ben didn’t want to accuse his Rabbi of stealing, so decided it was best to avoid him!

A full year later, Ben see’s the Rabbi at the grocery store. The Rabbi corners him and says “Ben, nu! Why have you been avoiding me!” Ben sighs. “To be honest Rabbi, I have been avoiding you ever since we discovered that the cards and money have been missing from the Bar Mitzvah!”

“Tell me, Ben,” the Rabbi says. “Has your son been putting on his tefillin?”

“Of course!” Ben answered. “But what does that have to do with the money?”

The Rabbi answers, “I put the cards and money in your sons tefillin bag which he clearly hasn’t opened since his Bar Mitzvah!”

Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout “Praise the Lord!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for god to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted “Praise the Lord. God I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please Lord, send me some groceries!!”

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “Praise the Lord.”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn’t.”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, “Praise the Lord. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the atheist pay for them. Praise the Lord!”

The Banquet

The banquet was about to begin when the master of ceremonies was informed that the clergyman invited to give the blessing was unable to attend.

He asked the main speaker if he would oblige, and the man agreed.

He began, "There is no clergyman present, let us thank G‑d."

G‑d’s Creation

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 
“Grandpa, did G‑d make you?” 
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “G‑d made me a long time ago.” 
“Oh,” she said. “Grandpa, did G‑d make me, too?” 
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said. “G‑d made you just a little while ago.” 
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “G‑d’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

Tuna Casserole

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, “Wake up, wake up!”

“What’s the matter?” I asked.

“There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they’re eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.”

And I replied “That’ll teach them!”

Insomnia

Dr. Goldstein moved into a new neighbourhood and began attending the local shul.

Rabbi Feldman was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, Rabbi Feldman referring people to the doctor, and Dr. Goldstein telling patients about the shul.

One referral from Dr. Goldstein called the shul office asking for a written copy of the Rabbi’s last four Shabbat sermons. Rabbi Feldman was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Last Breath

Old Jacob is lying on his bed, very ill, waiting for his final breath.

All of the sudden, he whispers: "Judith, my loved wife ... are you there?"

"Yes my beloved husband... I am here by your side," Judith says.

Old Jacob whispers again: "Isaac, my son... are you there?"

"Yes, father... I am here with you," is the answer.

Old Jacob breathes heavily and goes on: "Sarah, my beautiful daughter-in-law... are you there?"

"Sure I am here by your side", says Sarah.

Old Jacob breathes one more time, waits a few seconds and whispers: "What about little Billy? Are you there, my grandson?

"Yeah grandpa, I am here too by your side," says little Billy.

Old Jacob breathes one more time, waits a little while and then open his eyes, looks around and says "Family, if you are all here, who is taking care of the shop?!"

All free in heaven

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”

Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

“How much to eat?” asked the old man.

“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation.

“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for you and your damn bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

What's in a Name 

A young Jewish mother walks her son to the school bus on his first day of kindergarten. 

"Please behave, my bubaleh," she says. 

"Take good care of yourself and think about your mother who is waiting for you, tataleh!" 

"And come right back home on the bus, my shepseleh." 

"Remember, your Mommy loves you a lot, my ketzeleh!" 

At the end of the school day, the bus returns. She runs to her son and hugs him. 

"So what did the love of my life learn on his first day of school?" she asks. 

"I learned my name is David," is the boy's response.

Zen Hot Dog 

So the Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says, “Make me one with everything.”

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen master. The hot dog vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A check," replied the guide.

The Grandmother

Last year, just before Hanukkah, Miriam, a grandmother was giving directions to her grown up grandson who was coming to visit with his wife. 'You come to the front door of the condominium complex.  I am in apartment 2B.'

Miriam continued, 'There is a big panel at the door.  With your elbow push button 2B. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with your elbow hit 2.  When you get out I am on the left.  With your elbow, hit my doorbell.'

'Grandma, that sounds easy,' replied Jonathan, the grandson, 'but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow.'

To which she answered, 'You're coming to visit empty handed?'

Bad Words

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking the neighbor’s window with a baseball.

“What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.

“Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”

“Without, of course.”

“Well, then, he said nothing.”

Speeding

An Israeli cop is patrolling the highways, when he pulls over a young driver speeding way beyond the speed limit.

The cop proudly walks up to the driver's window: "I've been waiting for you all day!"

To which the kid replies: "I’m so sorry to keep you waiting officer, I tried to get here as fast as I could..."

Pressure

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him “You’re in terrific shape. There is nothing wrong with you. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?

The 60-year-old responded, “Who said he was dead?”

The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he – is he still very active?”

The 60-year-old answered, “Well he is 82 years old, and he still goes skiing a few times each season, and he surfs every day during summer.”

The doctor then asked, “Well how old was your grandfather when he died?”

he 60-year-old responded, “Who said he was dead? He is 106 years old and next week he is getting married again.”

The doctor was shocked and asked “At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married”

To which the 60-year-old replied “Who said he wanted to? His mother is putting on tremendous pressure.”

Fishing in the Dead Sea

A tourist drives along the shore of the Dead Sea and spots a fisherman casting his fishing rod into the water.

The tourist, surprised, stops and explains to the fisherman that no fish can live in the Dead Sea.

The fisherman said “Yes, some do. For $10, you may sit next to me and I will show you.”

The curious tourist paid the $10 and waited patiently. After an hour, the tourist said: “hey, where are the fish? And, by the way, how many fish did you catch today”?

The fisherman answered “You are number six”

Construction

A big-time developer from Dallas was visiting Israel… As his Israeli host was taking him around, he pointed to a new 20-story apartment-complex and exclaimed, “That building took our people less than two years to complete!”

The Texan sneered, “Ha!.. In Texas, a complex like that would go up in 6 months!”

As they moved along, they came to a brand-new power plant… Hoping not to be outdone by his guest this time, the Israeli said, “This new power-station took us less than three months to construct!”…

To which the Texan responded haughtily, “Buddy, a facility like that in Texas would take us a week – two weeks tops – to put up!”…

Toward evening, they passed a beautiful new tower in the Diamond Center, ablaze with lights – one of the most modern and impressive buildings in all of Israel… “Hmm… What building is that across the street?” asked the Texan…

The Israeli casually shrugged his shoulders and said, “I don’t know… All I can say is — it wasn’t there this morning!”

In the Beginning

The new patient settled comfortably on the couch and the psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heaven and the Earth...

Picture Perfect

Bubbie Sadie was taking her new granddaughter for a walk, when her neighbor Hilda comes over and peeks into the stroller.

“Wow is she cute” gushed Hilda.

“This is nothing” said Bubbie Sadie with a wave of her hand, “you should see the pictures!”

Email

A Melbourne couple decided to go out to Queensland during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Melbourne and flew to Queensland on Thursday, with his wife flying up the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Sydney, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral in Rookwood. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

I know you may be surprised to hear from me. But they have free WIFI here so I thought I would send you an email.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.  I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is hot here!

Guarding the Gates 

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for the angel Michael to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around, were her parents and all the other people she had loved, and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”

When the angel Michael came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” the angel said. “Which word?” the woman asked. “Love.” The woman correctly spelled “Love” and the angel welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Angel Michael came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”

“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you passed,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse whom you never liked; and then I won the 250 million dollar lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion, and a private jet. My wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Fiji and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! Now, how do I get into this beautiful paradise? I am starving…”

“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.

“Which word?” her husband asked. “Czechoslovakia,” she said.

The Match

A boxing match taking place in Madison Square Gardens in New York, in front of 30 thousand spectators where two world champion boxers, Mike Tyson and his opponent Lenox Lewis, are fighting it out in the ring.

One fellow, below the boxing stage screams out throughout the first round to Mike Tyson: “Give him a  right…….give him a left… give him the hook…”

In the following round, the same fellow screams out throughout the round to Lenox Lewis, ‘Give him  a right… give him a left.. give him the hook…knock him out… Get him, common!

A nearby spectator could not understand what on earth was going on here. He turns to the man screaming and says, ‘you got me confused, who are your betting on, Mike Tyson or Lenox Lewis?

And he replies: “Neither of them, I’m the boxing association dentist…”

How does that feel

A wife was scrambling eggs one morning when suddenly her husband bursts into the kitchen. "Careful," he cries. "You’re cooking too many at once. Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They’re going to stick! Hurry up! Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! The salt!"

 The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?" Her husband calmly replies, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving."

The Steak

Yankel and his wife Dina go to the Kosher Restaurant and order steak and chips. They are served with fantastically tasty, giant steaks which they think are the best they’ve had for years. You have never seen such a big stake in your life.

They are so excited about their meal that they tell their friends Abe and Sarah about it. Abe doesn’t believe any meal could be that good, so all four decide to go back next weekend to check it out.

When they get there, they all order steak and chips. However, much to their disappointment, the waiter brings them very small steaks. You need a magnifying glass to find it on your plate.

Yankel asks to see the manager.

"I’m very upset with our meals," he says to the manager. "My wife and I were in this restaurant only last week and you served us big juicy steaks. Today, however, you serve us such small ones."

"Yes, sir, I know," replies the manager. "But last week you were sitting by the window where everyone sees.”

Forgiveness

Once, on Yom Kippur, a Rabbi spoke about forgiveness. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he lectured the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question.

All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Cohen, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"That is very unusual. How old are you?"

"106."

"Mrs. Cohen, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a lady can live to be 106 and not have an enemy in the world."

The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, and blurted out, "I outlived them all!"

The Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Commandment

A Hebrew school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honour” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Do You Know Who I Am?

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know who I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Do you know who I am?" the student asked again in a louder voice.

"No, and I don't care," replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Funny You Should Come to Me

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him.  Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian.  Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did he say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

Anniversary

I once asked a couple on their 50th anniversary, what was the secret of their long marriage. The guy said, that when they got married, they made a pact that no matter what happens, they will always go out twice a week. And he said “We never missed a week. I went out on Mondays and Wednesdays, and she went out on Tuesdays and Thursdays”.

A Call to Mother

Moshe calls his mother and asks, "Mom, how are you?" 
"Not too good," Miriam says. "I'm feeling very weak." 
"Why, mother? " 
Miriam says, "Because I haven't eaten in 23 days." 
Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?" 
Miriam answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"

Wake Him Up

The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon when he suddenly beckoned to the gabai (shul assistant) to come over.

The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the third row is asleep. Wake him up."

The gabai replied, "You put him to sleep. You wake him up.”

In Bed

Mrs. Greenberg was teaching her first grade class about saying blessings and praying. "For example children,” said Mrs. Greenberg “Before we go to sleep we should sing shema. Who here says their prayers at night?"

Little Chaim answered, "My mommy says my prayers."

"I see," said Mrs. Greenberg, "And what does your mother say?"

Chaim replied, "THANK G-D, HE'S IN BED!

Irritation, Aggravation, and Misery

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and misery.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Ralph, please?"

"No! There's no one called Ralph here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Ralph a second time.

"No—there's no one here called Ralph. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

"Then what's ‘misery’?" asks his son.

The father picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Ralph. Have I received any phone calls?"

The Cane

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting-room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and emerged within half an hour walking completely erect, with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiracle. . . he gave me a longer cane."

Fibbing Fido

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.”

Intrigued, he walks in. “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I've led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in the army. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Spend, Spend

Freda comes back from her trip to the shopping center and tells her husband Morris that she’s just bought another new designer dress.

"What? You must be joking," Morris shouts. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"

"I may be many things, darling," Freda replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."

Mechanic vs. Cardiologist

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doctor, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $80,000 a year, a pretty small salary, and you earn a hefty $400,000 when you and I are basically doing the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running!"

Manager's Wish

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

“Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Indian Weather Prediction

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied,

"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Nosey Yenta

The new mailman is delivering a registered parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"

"I have a registered parcel for Mrs. Levy," he replies.

"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.

"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.

"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.

"It's from Macy's department store," he replies.

"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie asks.

"Yes, madam," he replies, "it's from Main Street."

"Does it say what's in it?" Sadie asks.

"It says it's from their Cooking ware department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."

"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can't do that."

"Why not?" he asks.

"Because," Sadie replies, "I'm Sadie Cohen. Mrs. Levy lives next door."!

Let Sam Pace the floor

Its t's 3:00 A.M. and Goldie wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Melvin, why can't you sleep?" she asks him. "You know our next door neighbor, Sam. I borrowed $1,000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money. I don't know what I'm going to do." Melvin replies.

Goldie gets out of bed and opens the window. "Sam," she shouts, and several times more, "Sam, Sam."

Finally a very groggy Sam opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it...it's 3 AM, what do you want?"

Goldie says, "You know the $1,000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."

She then slams the window shut, turns to Melvin and says, now you go to sleep, and let Sam pace the floor."

A gift to a mother

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 12 years to teach him. I had to spend $100,000 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Milton," she wrote, my first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so boring!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

Juggler

A circus performer was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.

He asked suspiciously "What are those for?"

The man replied "I'm a circus juggler.” "I use those in my circus act, and I am late for my show…"

The officer demanded. "Well, show me,"

So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer with his skills.

Another car passed by. The driver slowed down, watching the entire scene in amazement, then says,

"My G‑d. I really got to give up drinking....! Look at the drunk driving test they're giving now."

The Flight Attendant

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for? How do I strike up a conversation?"

Hoping to connect to her, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airways slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Oh, she doesn't work for Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. It was American Airlines. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United Airlines slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman turned on him, "Are you crazy? Can you shut your idiotic mouth? What do you want from me?! Bug off!"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair and said... "Ahhh, El Al!" 

It was a Killer

One Shabbat morning, Rabbi Levy noticed seven-year-old David staring up at the large plaque hanging in the shul lobby. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. David had been staring at the plaque for some time, so Rabbi Levy walked over to him and said quietly, “Shabbat shalom, David.”

“Shabbat shalom, Rabbi,” replied David, still intent on the plaque. “Rabbi, what is this?”

“Well, David, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Then little David, in a barely audible whisper, asked, “Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?”

Prized Possession

A successful young businessman opened the door to his BMW when suddenly a car came along and hit the door ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the young man was crying, Oh, my Beemer! My Beemer!”

“You’re so worried about your BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left hand was ripped off!” snarled the cop.

“Oh no!” said the young man, “Not my Rolex too!”

Who's Talking?

"Does marriage change one's personality?" Greg asked his buddy Mike. "In a way," says Mike. "You see, when I was engaged, I did most of the talking and she did most of the listening. When we just got married she did most of the talking and I did most of the listening. Now we both do the talking and the neighbors do all of the listening."

The Fundraiser

A doctor, a lawyer, and a fundraiser are walking along a beach when they discover an old lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie comes out and says he will grant each of them a wish. 

The doctor asks to have more money than he can ever spend. Poof. He has an endless stream of income hooked up to his bank account. He runs off elated. 

Next is the lawyer. He says, “Yes, give me that too! Endless money in my bank account.” Poof. It happens. The lawyer runs off elated. 

“And what is your wish?” the genie asks the fundraiser. “If it’s not too much trouble,” says the fundraiser, “I’d like the business cards of the doctor and the lawyer?”

Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Pills, Pills, Pills 

Monty Cooperman hadn’t been feeling well so he went to visit Dr. Rosen. Dr. Rosen examined Monty, left the room, and then came back with three different bottles of pills.

Dr. Rosen said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine, Monty stammered, "Wow Doc, exactly what is my problem?"

Dr. Rosen replied, "You're not drinking enough water."

The Flight Instructor

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

Business or Pleasure

Izzy owned a small deli in Stamford Hill, in London. One day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of $250.000 for the year and he wanted to know all about it. "It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like a maniac all year round and all of my family helps me out whenever they can. My deli is closed only five days a year. That’s how I made $250,000."

"It's not your income that bothers us," said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of $80,000 that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made 28 business trips to Israel, Italy, Switzerland, France, the US, Hawaii, and the Caribbean Islands. What are all these business trips about?"

"Oh," said Izzy, smiling. "I forgot to tell you that we also deliver!"

The Pub

A man goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five shots. The bartender gives him an odd look since he’s all by himself, but he serves up the five shots and lines them up on the bar.

The man downs them all quickly. He finishes the last one and calls out, "Four shots, please!" The bartender serves up four shots and lines them on the bar. The man downs them all. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three. And one after the other, he knocks them back. "Two shots!" he calls, and the bartender places two shots in front of him. Down they go. As the man slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One shot bartender."

So the bartender fills the glass. The man sits there, staring at it for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "You know, it's a funny thing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get."

The Dream

A woman woke up one morning and told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”

Her husband replied, “You’ll know tonight!”

His wife was ecstatic. Her heart melted in romance as she anticipated her husband’s gift.

That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Excited and delighted, she opened it and found inside a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Jewish Knight 

A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder: 

"Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot." 

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Fundraising 

A local shul had never received a donation from one of the wealthiest members of the community, so the rabbi made a phone-call. “Mr. Goldberg,” said the rabbi, “I see your business is doing very well and our records show that you’ve never donated to the synagogue. Would you like to change that?” the rabbi began.

The wealthy man replied, “Well, if you did so much research on me did your research also show that my mother is ill with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the rabbi.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea,” said the rabbi.

“Well that’s the situation,” said the rich man, “and if I don’t give to any of them, why would I give to you?” 

The Barber and the Kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

Where is God ?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a Rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The Rabbi agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the grand rabbi in the afternoon.

The great rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is G‑d?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the Rabbi repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is G‑d!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the Rabbi raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS G-D!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. G‑d is missing - and they think WE did it!"

Now

A man comes to the doctor lamenting that he is forgetting things. “Yesterday I even forgot where I live, doctor, I got lost. And the day before, I came home from the synagogue and I forgot that I even went there. And a day before, I want to play golf and I forgot about that too…

“Oy doctor, what should I do?” the man cried.

The doctor said “Pay me now,”.

News 

This woman calls her husband at work and says “I have good news and bad news

So he says to her: “I’m really sorry dear, but I’m very busy at the moment; I don’t have much time to talk. Just give me the good news.”

“Well,” she says, “the air bags work!”

Let Go

Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.

He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.

“HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? HELP!"

He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. “Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"

"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"

"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?

"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."

"The Lord? You mean, G‑d?"

"That's Me."

"G‑d, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."

"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk. Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."

"I'll do anything, G‑d. Just tell me what to do."

"Okay. Let go of the branch."

"What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."

There was a long silence. Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

Sad Story
Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott will tell sad stories for the rest of the way." At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

The whole truth

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense."You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

Customer Focus

Rachel and her husband Max are in their local kosher restaurant. Even though Rachel always seems to find something to moan about in this deli restaurant, they still regularly go there because the food is good and it's frequented by many of their fellow seniors.

As usual, within minutes of taking their seats, Rachel starts to bother their waiter. "Waiter," she says, "please turn up the air conditioning. You know I can't stand a hot atmosphere."

But then, five minutes later, she asks the waiter to turn down the air conditioning because she is too cold. Soon after, she wants it turned up again because she's getting too hot. But then their food arrives on the table and Rachel is at last silent as she eats her meal.

Maurice, who is sitting near Rachel and Max's table, can't help but notice that at no time does the waiter show any anger - in fact he is surprisingly patient. As the waiter walks past his table on his way back to the kitchen, Maurice calls him over and says quietly to him, "I can't understand why you don't just throw this customer out of the restaurant."

"Oh, we don't really mind," says the waiter, "because not only do we have a customer focus program in operation where the customer is always right, but also, this restaurant doesn't have any air conditioning."

Sales vs. Management

A passenger jet was going through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a rabbi sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh, asked, “Rabbi, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”

To which he replied, “So sorry madam but I cannot help. I’m in sales, not management.”

Rage Therapy

A man walks into a bar. He calmly orders a drink and proceeds to abruptly pick up his glass and hurl it at the shocked bartender.

After a moment of uncomfortable silence he begins apologizing profusely, pleading for forgiveness: “I am mortified, I suffer from uncontrollable rage, I am deeply ashamed of it, I don’t know what came over me, please forgive me for my embarrassing behavior.” The bartender graciously forgives him. However this happens nightly for a week straight, each outburst followed by sincere regret. Finally, the bar tender makes an ultimatum: “Either undergo intense anger-management therapy or do not ever enter this bar again.” The man consented.

A year later, he returns to the bar, a rehabilitated man. But lo and behold, he immediately takes his glass and heaves it at the bartender. “What are you doing?” the bartender thundered, “I thought you went to therapy!”

“I did,” the man replied, “and now I am not embarrassed anymore.”

Three wishes

This woman is walking along and finds a magic lamp. She picked up the lantern, rubbed it, and, sure enough, a genie came out and granted her three wishes. The delighted woman said: “My wishes are as follows: I want my husband to have eyes only for me. I want to be the only one in my husband’s life! And I would like that when my husband gets up in the morning, I’m the first thing he reaches for so he can take me with him wherever he goes!

So, the genie turned the woman into a Mobile Phone

Two Phases

In a military class the professor asked the students, "What is the difference between an engagement and a battle?" 

No one in the group offered any answer. The professor was frustrated. “Didn’t anyone read the material in the book?” he thundered.

Finally, one guy said that he knew the answer.

"An engagement is the thing that came before marriage," he said, "and the battle is what follows it."

Wisdom of a Child

A child sees the bulletin of the Synagogue announcing that the congregation had just hired a new rabbi, his name is Rabbi Dr. Epstein. The child is so excited that the new rabbi is also a doctor, that the next time he has a stomach-ache, he calls the Synagogue.

"I would like to speak to the Rabbi Dr.," the boy says. The rabbi gets on the line and asks how he can be of help. "Well rabbi”, the boy says, “I have a stomach-ache and I was wondering what you suggest I do."

"Sorry son, I'm not a medical doctor," replies the rabbi.

"What type of doctor are you?" asks the boy. "I am a Dr. of Philosophy," was the response.

The child thought for a moment and then asked, "What type of sickness is that?" 

The Fridge

Mr. Goldberg bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front garden and hung a sign on it saying: “Free to good home. You want it, you take it.”

For three months, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $200.’

The next day someone stole it.

Return

You know the story of the grandmother who is walking along the shore with her small grandson and suddenly a strong wave of water lands up on shore and takes the little boy into the water and the grandmother becomes frantic and screams out to G‑d:

“G‑d if you would only bring back my grandson, I will be a better person. I will light candles on Friday night, I’ll come to shule every shabbat, I’ll give more charity, God, whatever you need, just please return my grandson.”

And lo and behold a miracle occurs. In a few seconds she spots her grandson being thrown back by another tremendous wave onto the shore. He is coughing and gasping and she goes over to him making sure that he’s all right. Then she turns up the God and says “He had a hat!”

Thirsty

Four Europeans go hiking together and get terribly lost.

First they run out of food, then out of water.

“I’m so thirsty,” says the Englishman. “I must have tea!”

“I’m so thirsty,” says the Frenchman. “I must have wine.”

“I’m so thirsty,” says the German. “I must have beer.”

“I’m so thirsty,” says the Jew. “I must have diabetes.”

The Story

A child once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "What did you learn today?"

He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt."

"How?"

The boy said, "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharaoh up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross."

The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?"

The boy replied, "No. But you'd never believe the story he DID tell us!"

Pushed

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the idiot who pushed me into the pool!"

Impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, making belief he was actually talking to someone. "I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you? Make sure to do this fast, as I am in a mad rush, as you can see from the endless telephone calls of clients."

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone.”

Delivery Boy

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business.
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $600.00 a week, sir. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $6,000 in cash and screams, "Here's ten week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back! No room in this company for people just leaning against walls. Out of there!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's. He was waiting for his tip."

Luggage 

A man came to the airport to check in for his flight. “How many pieces of luggage would you like to check in,”? The woman behind the counter asked.

“Three,” he said. “One should be sent to Tel Aviv. The other one — to Chicago; and the third one — to London.”

“I am sorry,” she said. “We cannot do that.”

“That’s surprising,” the man said. “Last time I flew, you did exactly that, without me even asking!”

What Do You See?

Two adventurers John and Jack were hunting for gold in the desert. After roaming all day long under the hot sun, they set up their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, John woke up his friend.

"Jack, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Jack looked up and replied, "I can see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked John.

Jack thought for a minute and said. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

After a moment of silence, John spoke. "It tells two things to me. First is that...you are an idiot."

Jack looked at John, surprised. "Why do you say so?" he said.

"Because it has still not occurred to you that someone has stolen our tent," replied John.

Library Time

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. "Nine A.M." came the reply, "and what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice, "No, not till nine A.M.!"

The librarian asked, "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

What Would You Do

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.

"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and reach out to those that have not yet been inspired by the bible and bring meaning into their lives." one gentleman said.

"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my synagogue, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."

Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.

"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would make the last four weeks of my life feel like an eternity

Moving Furniture

Rivkah gets into work late one Monday morning and goes to see her boss to apologize. "I'm sorry I'm late, but I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact my back is killing me after my efforts."

"So why didn't you wait until your husband gets home tonight?" asks her boss.

"I could have," says Rivkah, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."

New Order

A man came to a bar on a nightly basis, ordering two glasses of Crown Royal. When the bartender asked him why he never changed his order, the man explained that he had a friend with whom he drank a nightly glass of Crown Royal for many years.

"My friend was drafted and died overseas," the man sighed, "and I decided to immortalize him by drinking two glasses of Crown Royal every night. One glass I drink for him; the other for myself."

Some years later there came a night when the man entered the bar and ordered a single glass of Crown Royal.

"What happened?" asked the bartender.

"Oh," the man responded, "I quit drinking."

Life Support

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room. He says to her: “Just so you know… I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV

Five Mothers

Four Catholic mothers and a Jewish woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends, 'My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father’.”

The second Catholic mother chirps, 'My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace’.

The third Catholic mom says, 'My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence’.

The fourth Catholic woman chirps, 'My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness’.

They all turn to the Jewish woman, and give her a subtle, 'Well?'

She replies: I have a son. He’s argumentative, confrontational, self-centered, impossible and irrational. When he walks into a room, people say, Oh My G‑d!’

The Headache
Sadie goes to see her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache is gone!"
To which the rabbi replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."

Directions

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . .. . .. . You're coming empty handed?"

50-50

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Four Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never believe I had triplets."

An hour later the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, and announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the last guy, who fainted, flat out on the floor.

The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

“Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought….. I work at the 7-11 Store."

The Truth, the Whole Truth and…

Harry gets stopped by a police car. When the police officer gets to his car, Harry says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 65 in a 50mph zone.
Harry: No sir, I was going 50.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 70.
Harry gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket for your broken brake light.
Harry: Broken brake light? I didn't know about a broken brake light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that brake light for months.
Harry gives his wife a really dirty look.
Officer: I am also going to book you for not wearing your seat belt.
Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Harry turns to his wife and yells, "Shut your mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Madam, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk…"

Outing

A farmer and his wife were sitting on a couch when a tornado came and swept them out of the house. There they were, flying through the air together on the couch, when the wife began to cry.

The farmer said to her, “This is no time to cry! We need to think of ways to land safely!”

She replied, “I can't help it! I'm so happy because this is the first time we've been out together in twenty years.”

Dad’s Instructions

The bar-mitzvah boy began his speech:

“Before I begin, I want you all to know that dad has instructed me: not to be witty; not to be humorous; and not to be intellectual.

He said, “Just be yourself.” ”

Last Meal

An Italian a Frenchmen and a Jew were sentenced to death for crimes committed.
They were entitled to a last meal of choice before death.
The Italian requested his last meal be Pasta Primervera.
The executioners take him outside after his last meal and they shoot him.
The Frenchmen requested a Filet Mignon.
The executioners take him outside after his last meal and shoot him.
The Jew requests strawberries as his last meal and the executioner said, "are you crazy, they're out of season!"
The Jew says, "I'll Wait!!"

Philanthropy

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, "Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?"
"No," replied the guide. "It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer."
Never heard of him," said the visitor. "What did he write?"
"A cheque," replied the guide.

The Mehchanic

A car mechanic is called in after every other mechanic failed. He listens to the engine for a few minutes, then hauls off and gives it a big swift kick in a certain strategic spot. Lo and behold, the engine starts humming like a kitten. The mechanic turns around, gives the car owner his bill for $900. The owner of the vehicle is flabbergasted and demands an itemized breakdown AND EXPLANATION.

The bill says...

“$10 for my time, and $890 for knowing where to kick.”

Phone

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

He: "Yes."

She: "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw 7 beautiful pairs of shoes. They are absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy them?"

H - "What's the price?"

S - "Only $2,500.00. all together"

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

S: "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2015 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

H: "What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..."

H: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

S - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."

H - "What?"

S - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

S - "Only $1,450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,200,000. OK?"

S - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love u too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

It Started

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks annoyed but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

Hot Air Balloon

A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be a rabbi," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Life of the Party

The couple was leaving the cocktail party where the husband, quite tipsy, has been the life of the party, trying to entertain the guests with jokes, stories, and his personality.

As they are leaving, his wife turns to him: “John,” his wife says, “had anyone ever told you, that you are hilarious, brilliant, charming, cute, engaging and attractive?”

“No!” he responds. “No one ever told that to me in my life,” he says to her, looking at her with tremendous affection “This is the first time…”

“So then,” she snapped, “where in the world did you get the idea that you were?”

New Addition

There was a newlywed couple. Some months after the wedding the wife turns to her husband saying "Darling, I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband runs to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes… As he is hugging her she says, "I'm so glad that you feel this way about my mother moving in with us"…

Lines in Heaven

A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line was a sign which read "For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives." The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, "For Men Who Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one man in that line.
Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, "Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for "Men Who Dominated Their Wives?"
"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."

The Inside and the Outside

A wealthy Jewish man buys a fabulous home in Beverly Hills, California. He brings in a local workman to decorate the place. When the job is finished, the homeowner is delighted but realizes that he's forgotten to put mezuzahs on the doors.

He goes out and buys 50 mezuzahs and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of each door except bathrooms.
When he comes back a few hours later he sees that the job has been carried out to his satisfaction. He is so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is leaving he says, "By the way, I took out all the warranties in the little boxes and left them on the table for you!”

My Problem

Four psychiatrists meet at a bar one night after work. They have been competing with each other for many years now, in the same community. But they do have cordial relations and now they are drinking. After a few drinks, they begin unwinding from a long, hard day at the office dealing with people’s problems.

The alcohol takes effect. One Doctor suggests they all open up and be absolutely honest with each other. “Let’s share among ourselves our own problems, troubles and demons. After all, we are alone, on our own with no patients around. Everything will be said in total confidence. And we can use some true honest conversation and disclosure.”

So the first one opens up and says “Well, if we are being absolutely honest with each other, I must admit that I’ve been inflating my patients’ accounts. They don’t know the difference and the medical insurance pays me.”

And the second psychiatrist says, “Well, if honesty and frankness are the order of the day, I confess that I have taken advantage of some of my more dependent female patients when they are lying there, vulnerable, on the couch.”

Whereupon the third Shrink says, “Well, gentlemen, it is so hard for me to say, but I am a compulsive narcissist, and I manipulate my patients to fill the needs I need from them. I have been doing this for 35 years. They are all pawns for me to fill my desires and voids.”

The fourth doctor says: You’re not going to be happy to hear this, but as we are all being completely honest and baring our souls, I must share with you my demon:

“I simply cannot keep a secret!”

Turkey

A young man named Jon received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Jon tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally Jon was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Jon shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and ruder. Jon, in desperation, threw up his hands and grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing that he had hurt the parrot, Jon quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for any inappropriate transgressions. I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued... "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Career Mapping

Abe and his young son Sam are in shul one shabbes morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a Rabbi."

"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to shul on shabbes anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout than to sit down and listen."

Three Doctors

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Just like mother

Every time a young man brought home a prospective wife, his mother would criticize her terribly.

The girl was never good enough for his mother. Finally, the young man asked his psychology professor for advice. The professor said, “Find someone like your mother, then you’ll see a different kind of response.”

So he spent months searching, finally he found someone like his mother. She looked like his mother, had the same mannerisms as her— a virtual clone — and he took her home.

The next week the professor sees the young man and asks how it went with his mother? “It was great,” the young man replied, “my mother loved her, but my father couldn’t stand her!”

Children's Wisdom

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks he's stupid, please stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help the poor child. "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked. "Why do you feel so my dear child"?

"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Jewish Grandmother

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there...he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my God, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."

Differences

Mishka was telling Shukie what she had read about the differences between men and women.

"Research shows that men, on average, speak about 2000 words per day, and women speak about 8000," Mishka said.

To which Shukie responded, "See! Women never shut up. They talk 4 times more than men!"

To which Mishka added, "We don't speak 4 times more than you guys. We just have to repeat everything 4 times because you don’t listen."

Mr Levy’s Daughter

Whenever 4-year old Miriam was asked her name, she replied, "I'm Mr Levy’s daughter."

So, her mother tells her this is wrong and that she must answer, "I'm Miriam Levy."

Next shabbos, after the service, the Rabbi asks her, "Aren't you Mr Levy’s daughter, little girl?"

Miriam replies, "I thought I was, but my mother says I'm not."

Dentist

Miriam meets Arnold at her Israeli dance class, and they agree to see each other again at the weekend. When they meet, they get on so well that she invites him back to her flat. After a few drinks, things begin to get very steamy – and that’s when Miriam starts to notice some odd behaviour in Arnold. First of all, as soon as he takes off his shirt, he goes straight into the kitchen and washes his hands. Then five minutes later, as soon as he takes off his trousers, he again goes into the kitchen and washes his hands.

"I bet you’re a dentist," says Miriam, who always likes to speak her mind.

This surprises Arnold. "Yes, I am," he replies. "How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Oh, it was easy," replies Miriam, smiling, "you keep on washing your hands. Now let’s get into bed."

After they finish making love, Miriam turns to Arnold and says, "You must be an extremely good dentist."

"Well … yes I am," says Arnold, modestly, "how did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing," replies Miriam.

Endorsement

Yvonne goes into Bank Leumi to cash a check. When she gets to the front of the line, she presents the check to the cashier and says, "I would like to cash this check from my husband, please."

The cashier looks at the check and says to her, "Madame, could I ask you for an endorsement on the back."

"Of course," replies Yvonne.

She then takes out her pen, turns the cheque over, and writes, "My husband Morris is a wonderful and loving husband. He’s very caring and honest, he loves his grandchildren, and he regularly donates money to the Jewish Care charity."

A language lesson . . .

"To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks and mumzers that are lurking out there in the crowd, I just wanted to say that I, for one, get sentimental when I think about English and its place in our society."

"To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole schmeer gets me broyges when I hear these mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about our national language. What chutzpah!"

"These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country and of English itself, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be shayich to do anything else."

"Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole myseh is a pain in the tuchas!"

Let's raise a glass . . .

Hymie’s golf club is giving a prize for the best toast of the evening. When it’s Hymie’s turn, he raises his glass and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!"

And that wins him the top prize and everyone at the club congratulates him. When he returns home, he tells his wife Sadie, "Guess what, darling? I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

"That's nice," says Sadie, "So tell me already. What was your toast?"

Hymie replies, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting next to my wife in shul."

"Oh Hymie," says Sadie, "that’s a really beautiful toast."

The next day, as she’s going to the local supermarket, Sadie meets one of Hymie’s golf club friends. When he sees her, he smiles in a leery fashion and says, "Hi Sadie. Did Hymie tell you he won first prize last night with a toast about you?"

"Yes he did tell me," replies Sadie. "But I was a bit surprised because he’s only been there twice in the last six months. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Sandals

Chaya goes over to her husband one evening. "You know that Gladiator movie that I got for you a few years ago ?"

"Yeah."

"Pop it in to the DVD player and go to the 1 hour, 16 mins and 28 seconds mark in the movie and freeze it right there."

He gives her a puzzled look, but decides to play along. "OK, I've done that."

"Okay," Chaya says. "Do you see the gladiator at the front fighting the lion?"

"Sure, I can see him."

"Just behind him, there are two gladiators having a sword fight with each other!"

"Yep, I see them too."

"Well, behind them two, on the left hand side of the screen, there's a woman gladiator holding a spear."

"Hang on . . . Let me zoom in a bit. Yeah, I see who you’re talking about!"

“Now zoom in on her feet."

"Her feet?"

"Yes, her feet."

"OK, I zoomed in on her feet. What now?"

"So those are the sandals I want for my birthday."

Sign of the Cross

A rabbi is walking across the street and gets hit by a bus.

As he tries to stand up a policeman comes to help him.

Not being injured the rabbi stands up and makes the sign of the Cross.

The policeman looks at this man in a black coat , a full beard and a black hat and asks him, “aren’t you a rabbi?”

“Yah I am”

“Then why did you make the sign of the Cross when you stood up?”

“ I didn’t ,” the rabbi answered

“I vas just checking; testicles, spectacles, wallet and watch!”

Why do brides wear white?

A little girl is attending a wedding for the first time. She whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride all dressed in white?

The mother replied, “Because this is the happiest day of her life, and white is the colour of happiness”.

The child thought about this for a while and then asked, “So why is the groom wearing black?”